Overwhelmed

I don't know how to begin..

I just know that I'm overwhelmed with what just took place. I mean, I'm feeling so many things now. Guilt, confusion, anger(towards myself), pity, graditude...Just one whole big mash of emotions all together.. Me= emo ball..

Oh man.

Des just told me a whole lot of what's really happening with us. Mainly about how he's not really part of my life and how little I seem to care. And honestly, I feel that way too. Seriously, he wasn't even one of my top 3 priorities.screw that. Not even top 5. What's the use of having a relationship in the first place when I don't make space for him?!

I mean..I obviously am not ready to commit. I mean, I have my family..Qin, Jojo..Jess..friends..Touch rugby, my studies. Most recently church commitments. From an outsider's point of view, I think most would marvel at how I am able to squeeze time out for him.

See, the thing is, I don't make time! Which is really bad.

It seems that I actually have a problem relying on people and really trusting and basically baring my all for another. I have no idea how all these started..as in, I started to distant myself from people..but I really want to get back. I guess I just don't want to portray myself as a weak and dependant individual.

People always come to me for advice and a listening ear, and I believe I do make them feel better with all the positive things I say to them..But really, I find it so darn hard for me to approach anyone whenever I encounter problems or am feeling downright upset about certain stuff. It's hard for me to admit I'm not as strong as I appear to be..or how I think I appear to be. Usually, I just write all my emotions out in the form of letters for my grandma, whom I believe have left us for a better place up there, instead of talking about it.

Sigh.

After a very very long talk at KCB gardens..(haha!!), I'm glad we came to a conclusion and really came down to solid solutions to our problem. I'm actually grateful he voiced everything out. If not I'd never have known! Can you actually believe me??!! I mean..I'm that slow/insensitive/blur (however you want to call me) not to realise that we have such a serious problem. I mean, I do wonder at times..But it had never ever occurred to me that the situation is so dire.

Am I fortuante or what? Having someone force me to admit that I'm basically nonchalent about a lot of things, and suffering from difficulty-in-expressing-myself syndrome..and then staying by me to help me overcome it. And all the times when I neglected him..which is mostly, he was actually suffering so much inside! I just cannot begin to imagine how unloved he must have felt.

I don't think this only applies to him..I think I treat everyone else the same..heck care way! My daddy, mommy..I think they've been tolerating with my nonsense..respect..where is it? Oh my gosh!! I'm such a selfish...being!

Anyway, I'm just extremely thankful that it's all cleared now and we have a common understanding at last. After so many months, it's only now that we faced it. Bah...better late than never.

All the talk sucked me into weighing the pros and cons of allowing another person walk into my life. And I still don't think I'm perfectly ready.

Now, the only way is to work on it.

Yes, it's only today that I realise a relationship, any kind of relationship, needs to be worked on. It definitely is not all play and fun.

I am actually shocked at myself for pouring all these out here. Because I don't usually blog about such raw, relatively sensitive issues. But this entry is going to serve as a reminder for myself not to be too headstrong and proud. Always know that people are there for me and I don't have to suffer alone. MAybe my pride hindered my view of treating friends and family, loved ones properly..In order to keep it going, contribution on all aspect IS expected by everyone. And clearly, I'm not doing so.

And for others who might have similar issues, I just want to say that communication is of utmost importance. Without honesty and truthful conversations, everything will just spiral down the drain. Trust is of course essential too..but blind trust is plain stupid. That's what I did...having blind faith.

OH WEll..at least I'm enlightened now.

Hmm..now that all that is..erm..out of my system..I feel loads better!

Last paper today and I only have one word to describe the dreaded H2 math paper..

DIE.

Sometimes I wonder why I even took H2 math in the first place and trapped myself into 2 years of trudging through incomprehensible equations and meaningless questions. But let's not dwell on what cannot be undone, shall we?

Yes! Look forward and stride onward! I can do this!

After the paper was back to my house for some movies.."She's the MAn", which by the way was hilarious and a good feel...err... good movie.."50 first dates" ( I thought it was 51st date.. -_-) which died on us halfway when the doctor announced,"Meet ten second tom..." And I was anticipating this moment because Jess told me so much about it! AND it HAD TO HANG AT THAT MOMENT!! Damn...cannot trust dvd rental shops.

I'm sorry qin and jojo and becky(almost forgot..haha)..we'll watch it some other day okay??

I have to get a refund!!

Okay, this is really freaky..but it's all too accurate! It can't be pure coincidence! First, I was with Jojo at cafe BB and I looked at my hp..11:11 am..Then I realised it was 11th of July. Then, when I on-ed my laptop just now, the screen showed that it was 11:11pm...AND then..I logged onto blogger..and realise that I posted 111 posts so far..Eff, arr, eee, ay, kay, why!!!! FREAKY!!