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Beachbum.
Kooky & sometimes OCD-ish.
Oh yes, greatest ambition is to be a mom.


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insecurities.marriage.life.
Sunday, January 22, 2006

Many a times, I've thought of why I'm so indifferent. Why I can just brush off comments with a shrug..Well..I think I've just come up with an answer. I'm insecure.

It's true..Because of my sense of insecurity, I tend to be extremely self consious and aware of what others might say about me. I have low self-esteem and often put others as higher importance than myself. Meaning to say, I have higher regard for others.

Which is bad..terrible in fact. Anyone would ask, what kind of life do you lead, taking everyone's thoughts and comments about you? But it's true! I just have this...thing in me that ignites my sense of obligation to unimaginable extents.

So, for many years, I lived my life as an obedient puppet. Always heeding people's advice and leaning towards their worthy opinion. Until one day..something snapped. The sense of obligation just vanished in an instant. I can't really remember the specific incident..But it should be significant enough to cause such a huge impact right? From then on, I no longer felt the need to accomodate to others request and wants. If i didn't feel like doing it, I just reject them straight in the face.

No more yes girl. Hello independent woman.

And, I realised (much to my joy) that what others say should not and will not (in time to come) affect my mental being..So, what better way to build up my ego(from scratch) than to block out all negative stuff which I deem un-beneficial to my well-being. Hence, the indifferent-ness..Because as time went by, I learnt not to be easily aggrevated and ignore whatever that tries to break my optimism.

To some people, my way of dealing stuff may be cowardice. Well, you could say I'm escaping rather than confronting the problem upright and feeling better there and then.

I say, why bother? Waste your energy and time trying to set everything right when you can simply just carry on with much more important stuff at hand. It is stuff like these that distract us from our happy path. Trying to create a thunderstorm on a bright cheery day.

Let's say...You hear some rumours about yourself. Like...erm..you screw around. Then, if you choose to find the source so that you can snip the bud, you spend all your time and energy finding the person who spreaded the rumour. To add to that, you'll most likely be pissed, if not..extremely concerned about your reputation and you'll be worrying the whole time if others will 'zi zi dian dian' you..That's just tramatising your brain cells, getting so worked up and all. And what do you get in the end? Few million dying brain cells with the rumour going stronger..because how are you going to stop a rumour with your own power? People will most probably assume the rumour true the more you try to make it seem not.

If you ignore it, not unlike myself, the rumour will sooner or later die down and no one will be interested to bring it up again. Plus, you still have that few million innocent brain cells working for you. And, you will still remain psychologically sound. right?

My point is, I'm indifferent not because I'm born with it..the skill of ignoring is developed over a period of time to enable me to survive.

Hmm..why do I sound like I'm defending myself? I mean, nothing happened in recent times that evoked my fingers to type all this. I was just wondering how come I can be so calm and well..indifferent when I hear negative atuff about myself.

I'm not saying I never get pissed off and I'm all holy. No... I do get mad here and there. But I'll get over it very soon. Usually, that's the case. Unless it's a problem with my close friends or my daddy..hahaha..Wells..I think my indifferent-ness also contributed to my 'stoning' ability. Like, I'll just go into stoning mode...whenever..hahaha..I'm sorry to anyone whom I might have offended with my 'stoning'. Like..make them seem boring because I'm not actively involved. I'm just..in my world, nothing to do with the unattractive stuff.

Hmm..I've also been wondering why I'm so very afraid of getting married. It is a long time ahead from where I am..but i can't help imagining the kind of life I'd lead. How could I still be loving and sweet after 2 decades being with the same person? How can our relationship still be exciting and full of wit when reality hits?(finance and children and whatevs..I don't know, I'm not married..I'm just imagining) How can I still look forward to our dinner date when all we see every night is each other? What will happen if we had this big-ass arguement that just won't go away after, say.. a month..More importantly..will our *** still be filled with anticipation and satisfaction? I mean..after child-birth..figures go and men start to roam elsewhere..OKay..that was so wrong of me to be saying it..anyway..as I was saying..marriage is scary!

Of course there is always the other side of things. In this case, a better..much better side. Both of us will be closer bringing up our children, going overseas alone(you know what I mean)..he'll still be as romantic as he was the first day he courted me and I'll still feel the strong love for him.Imagine...at 60, watching a disney animated movie..munching on M&Ms and stuffing ourselves with ben&jerry's chocolate cookie chip dough..feeding each other with no regard of others. Whispering sweet-nothings, teasing and playing as if we were teens again. aww..that would be the best. That's why I love seeing old couples..old LOVING couples. You know those holding-hands-and-strolling-along-the-beach-with-the-sunset-as-backdrop kind of old loving couples? I simply adore seeing them and always imagine myself(or hope) to be like that.

But then..I'd always remind myself that not all is smooth in a relationship that long. So I conclude..problems between is a must for any relationship. Only then can people be closer and bonds be tighter.

Okay. I think I'm starting to sound like a worry-wort. well..I am. Which reminds me..O levels results!!

All the best to everyone!!

3:18:00 AM