♥Feel the breeze

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Aiya. I just read your entry and you made me so depressed I'm going to fail my chem test tomorrow.

ANYWAY I just wanted to say, it's alright really. I don't mind him anymore. Or at least not as much as I used to because... Because... I have no idea why!! No la. Coz he makes you happy at least and seeing him just makes you happy. Which in turn makes me happy too la. Coz I don't want you to be this walking facade looking all cheery on the outside but actually being depressed on the inside. But we do talk about him now what. When we actually talk la, which isn't very often. So it's better right? I mean, you can share it with me you know. I'm not going to snap or whatever, and I don't know why but somewhere along the way I've changed I guess. It's stupid and childish to think that I lost to him because it's a different type of closeness. Yeah I finally get what you mean.. It's just different and no way do I want it to be the same. Now when I think about it it's just normal lor. I've grown up. Unfortunately I still love swinging and acting stupid which isn't very good. So I shall stop that too.

Yeah I think our friendship isn't the same too. Maybe it's the whole sec1 to 2 thing happening again huh. Only this time we'll never get the chance to be in the same class. And you know what? I just want to apologize so badly about everything I did to you. Like taking advantage of you and suaning you and making you have low self-esteem. I totally think it's all my fault, and I'm just so sorry and guess what I'm crying as I'm typing this. And yeah you did eventually learn how to ride a bike what... IN HALF AN HOUR. Which is more than I can say for myself coz I learnt how to ride in a week okay.

And just in case you think otherwise, I think you're the best person on earth. Like literally on earth out of all the 5 billion people. BECAUSE there's only one person who can stand all my suanings and just stand by neutrally and take whatever I throw at her and that's you. I don't know why didn't I realise sooner and appreciate you more but now when I finally read your entry... it came as a big shock la, to put it mildly. It's only just when I started to realise how different you are from everyone else and you know what? Attached or not attached, same class or not, and whether our friendship is in a rut or not, there will never be anyone that can replace you. No one else will be able to stand my nonsense like you do or suffer to make me feel better. Who in the world can be so selfless?

You're not slow you're not retarded you're not stupid you're not a failure. You're my best friend and guess what? That in itself is a great achievement because I'm irritating, I'm ignorant, I'm competitive and above all I suck big time coz I just can't do anything right okay. I can't conduct the band I can't play my cornet well and above all I can't even maintain a good friendship with the only person in the world who cares so much about me. And even though I'm such an asshole you still stuck by me, and you didn't desert me or stop being friends with me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a great best friend but whatever it is I did not do my part as a best friend. So yeah I totally understand if you no longer wanna be friends with me coz I'm such an idiot.

SO YEAH. Whether we have topics to talk about or not, you'll always be my best friend. Not no.1 coz no.1 is relative. But you know, no matter who I meet in the future right, you're probably never never going to be replaced. YEAH. I'm so glad to have met you and spent the best 7 years of my life and counting... I hope it's still counting right. I'll change, really. I'll stop suaning you and start showering you with positive comments. If that's what I have to do to save our friendship I'm alright with you, because if I have to sacrifice anything to continue being best friends with you I would. Because out of everything I have to lose you're one of the things I can't afford to lose.

What will I do without you? Not just in terms of borrowing dvds sleeping bags and getting free dinners. But in terms of emotional support, mentally supporting me and whatever. You're the ONLY friend I have had for the past 4 years who went to each and everyone of my concerts, and bought flowers for me. You're the only one who gives me encouragement telling me I'm good enough to conduct the band even though I'm not. You're the only one who tells me,"Aiya sure can one la" to everything I'm about to attempt. You're the only one who'll listen to me no matter what it is and not diao me at the nonsensical and lame stuff I come up with. AND I'm getting a lot of that in sa now. So yeah, I'm again, Really really sorry for what I've done. Please tell me it's not the end of our friendship okay... AND I'm going to post this, so yeah. Let people know that I'm really really really sorry. (is there like another word for sorry besides regretful and apologetic? this is getting monotonous)

from, Qin.

9:52:00 PM

til I see You

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Til I See You

The greatest love that anyone could ever know...
That OVERCAME THE CROSS AND GRAVE TO FIND MY SOUL

And Til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home...
I'll trust in You..

With all I am I'll live to see your Kingdom come..
And in my heart I pray you'd let Your will be done..

And til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home..
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You..
I will live to bring You praise..
I will live a child in awe of You...

You are the voice that called the universe to be..
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me.

And til I see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home..
I'll trust in You..

You alone are God of all..
You alone are worthy Lord..
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name..

9:49:00 PM

reality

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Reality

First of all, I finally completed my first draft for PI!!! *clap clap*

Still the same old problem..waiting til the last minute to chiong. *tsk tsk* bad habit. must change. But..but...at least, I did it by SAturday! THat means, unlike in the past, when I'd wait til the last seconds of sunday to cram in every bit of homework, I actually completed the PI a day earlier then my usual undisciplined self!

Well, that's cause I'll be spending the whole day celebrating Easter Sunday tomorrow...so no choice.

Homecoming DAY!!!
I thought it'd be the whole reunion thing and meeting the teachers..and you know, all the heart warming stuff. Sigh...half of the class weren't gathered..we were all split into our little cliques(yes, we aren't as united as we once said we were), more than half of our subject teachers either retired or resigned. The remaining were too busy helping out with their present class' stall. OH!! but Miss Ng took time to chat and take a few photos with us! I miss her!!! And everything about XMS.

It's just all the familiarity and comfort that I felt when I stepped into the compound. Overwhelming. Despite the large majority(redundant usage of words) of unfamiliar juniors..it's the place and teachers I miss the most.

And it's really upsetting to know that this can only be felt in XMS because there's no place like it where everyone is still sort of innocent and unscheming. You know, the 'outside world'(as kobe likes to put it), is completely different from what it's like in Secondary School.

Sigh.

So anyway, we took a great deal of time to decide what to do and where to go after the homecoming. As usual. I think it's the guys' fault. Indeed, they'd make better old folks(po ma) than us girls..

In the end, it's MAHJONG at the house of the qian jing...moi..

Pure enjoyment.

NOT!

I tell you, I've never played til I go burst! AND..and...it's cause the allocation of the money was screwed..bah!!!!

And! I almost 13 yao okay!!!!!! left yi wan and jiu wan..then kobe had to hu at that instant!! It was meant to be mine!!!!!! The 13 yao tiles just kept coming!! GAH!!!!!

Jojo, Jess, and Kobe big winners la..

oh..and I first time see JY bankrupt! Hahaha...experienced, no luck also no good..

And our table was like 1.5 rounds faster than the other. One serious and the other just kept suaning eric. It's really a wonder he hasn't throw a fit and basically retaliate! Kudos to you!

Still good fun though.

After which, it was more decision making. A long one...Our dinner destination.

Broadway?

Compass?

Hougang point?

Hougang mall?

Town?

Heartland mall?

Hougang POint?

No..compass...

Don't want la..go Hougang mall..

Broadway...

Eeeeeee...

..Compass la..

..majority stay in hougang leh..so hougang point!

Hougang mall la..

In the end, I decided on broadway. Simply because I stay like within a 50m radius of the coffeeshop and since they were at my place, it would be most convenient.

8:00pm
ordered food.

8:07pm
ordered drinks

8:22pm
start eating

8:39pm
finshed eating. Talk starts.

9:00pm
talking about difference between poly and JC life..which somehow became the topic on premarital sex and..other forms..real life examples such as tammy..

9:47pm
Still on sex. Then became gangs..you know, gangsters..smokers..drinking..

10:28pm
the working world..how it is so entirely different from what I've perceived to be..in fact, everything that I thought was simple turns out to be full of complications of cause and effect. The sort.

10:53pm
End. If not no bus to go home.

I don't know what it is about such sit-down-and-talk-about-life talk with these guys, especially Jun..it never fail to amaze me. Well, mostly I'm mortified at how corrupted and completely calculative everything is.

Like..there is never this wait-til-marriage-day-for-the-union-between-two-being mentality anymore. Sex is just sex. It doesn't bother teens who they do it with, when and where.

Or how gang fights start with a simple staring competition or even a defeat in a game of basketball. Sorelosers.

Losers who gather in a group do not deserve to be branded as gangsters. In fact, I think they bring disgrace to the actual meaning of gangs and brotherhood. Where's the loyalty that was previously portrayed by their older generations. These losers only know how to threaten and fight in large groups. And what do they do when one of their 'brothers' get whacked? They run. Losers. Drink a little bit of blood..tattoo here and there.gang already meh?

Now everyone just cares for themselves...selfish selfish world.

Yup. I really have to thank Yong Jun for enlightening me..not only last night..but for the many advice you gave. Haha..without it, I'll still be this little lamb lost in her little own yard thinking life is all about the green grass and sunshine and bouncing everywhere. And the greatest obstacles would be choosing the spot to shit in.

What he said really got me thinking about my future and how uncertain everything is. If I want a good life, I'd better work my arse off from this moment. It'd take a great deal to keep reminding myself though.

And the conversation got me thinking about my priorities, presently. Which are more important and if it is worthwhile. The more I think, the more stupid I see myself to be. Ah well..not that I'm stupid..it's just the way I chose to handle stuff. No aims whatsoever. And if any..it's really unrealistic.

Ha.

I just hope everything works out fine.

oO

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

2:33:00 AM

miracles

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Miracles Happen

At 8pm, I was rushing to complete my GP powerpoint presentation on poverty due tomorrow. After much fretting and sort, I finally finished the slides. But there were still the scripts left untouched.

I thought I'd leave it for tomorrow since I'm having a stupid headache. Then I realised, cannot! There's touch training tomorrow til 7!! Desperate and extremely worn out, I prayed for something to happen that would postpone our presentation date.

Guess what?

I received an email from Miss Tan saying that classes will end at 2.45 or something of that sort so presentation can't be on thursday. SO, it's been pushed to MONDAY!!!!

PRAISE THE LORD!

2 panadols is all I need now for a night of peaceful sleep.

11:33:00 PM

perfect weekend

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Close to Perfect Weekend

One of the best thing about being a girl? You hang out with you girl pals and gossip and bitch like there's no tomorrow!

Yes, that was my weekend. Staying over and Jojo's!!!! We were at an all-time high and you won't believe the crap talk we came up with. Anyway..the thing about being girls is that we have every right to gush about hunky guys and get away with it. I mean..it's normal right?

People....if you ever have the time..if not make some, please please please drop by NEW URBAN MALE(at the Heerens)!!!!!!!!! My word..just thinking about this afternoon makes me hyperventilate!!!! Jo and I reckon that being a drop dead gorgeous hunk is one of the criteria for being an NUM employee. Seriously. How can they all congregate at a same place. You tell me..how are the women there going to stand not feeling overwhelmed??!!

Bottomline, THEY ARE HOT HOT HOT!!!

But then again, I think it has adverse effects. You know, like people would go to NUM just to ogle at the hunks(not unlike myself..) instead of purchasing the products of the shop-the whole point of shopping. I mean to ogle, of course.

Still, it's quite intimidating to be surrounded by so many good-lookers. Hmm..it was rather funny, the manner we chose to ogle. The 3 of us glided in and calmly..(now that I think back, it was quite quick) walked over to the bikini section. When I saw a few..I was still feeling normal. But when I was nearing my destination, a whole group of about six hunks pop-ed out of nowhere and smiled! Goodness..I just melted! So anyway..I was (shameless pretence) browsing through some sets and skirts when one of them, the one which Jo and Jeen are crazy over, assisted! I was..elated initially...then I began to feel intimidated. GAH...!!! Can't blame me, I hate how do you call them...salespeople who follow the customers everywhere!

Yup..and I was too distracted by both my lust and their strong presence(meaning intimidating-the-hell-out-of-me skill). So I hurried my way out. Frankly, I didn't really see their face..I only noticed that they were all very well-built(aka, eyes on body) and blah blah..you know..how desirable they were. Linger we did..but went in again? Did you think we would be so thick-skinned??!! Of course not..we only peeped through the tiny spaces between props and mannequins from the glass window. O.o

Right. Enough talk about this..improper..thing. Back to saturday afternoon.

Surprise suprise! I was the first to arrive at Jo's. And Jess and Jeen came at about 2 hours later! What audacity!!! They are still my buds though. Good old times gossiping and exchanging juicy news. Basically, we just laid on Jo's queen-sized bed and chatted from 4+ to 7+? I tell you..Jeen is still as crappy and lazy as ever! She still ramble and spew rubbish when she's feeling sleepy..and she didn't want to get up to accompany us to buy dinner! But I miss her la!! We all did..so we stayed on a while longer. Yes, on Jo's bed. Yeah..and it still wasn't enough to cover all that we had to say. Our hungry tummies got the better of us in the end and we bought dinner back for Chicken Rice War and Titanic.

However, we didn't manage to complete Titanic. Cause we had to repeat the first disc! See..we were all busy tricking people for April Fools' Day! And I pulled my first ever April Fools' trick!! Successfully!! But I'm not that proud of it. Meanie me..put des through a torturous 5 minute ordeal. I would have bawled my puny eyes out! Not that it's of any difference, but you get me. Ahhh..I felt so bad and worried, I think I was making a nuisance of myself while irritating Jess and Jo..But anyway, I'm sorry if I'd caused any trauma. I still love you!

Wanted to fool my dad into believing I'm two months preggers..But I looked at the clock and it was 12.21am. Damn. No more fooling mood and no inkling of the significance of April Fools' Day anymore. I'm guessing he would have freaked out and suffer a stroke 2 seconds after reading the first line of my message. So heck, return to Titanic.

Jo and I only managed to finish the first disc. At least better than Jess..Lousy..knocked out under 7 minutes of screening. We couldn't take it anymore either. First part was boring la..no ahem ahem..

But it's amazing how we still manage to get high before finally dozing off, considering we were all so shagged. Jo and her Juju...Laughing fit man! Reminds me of huo jian joke..forgot what the actual joke was. But the point is, I thought huo jian was an arrow with an ignited arrowhead/tip when it really means rocket! Man, my chinese really xi-s!

And we had MAcs Breakfast this morning!!!!!!! 700++ calories added, but I can't care less! This is enjoying life!

Thank you Jo's mom for allowing us to stayover! It meant a lot!! Because it has been a long time since we spent so much time together. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Thanks again! *smiles*

Oh..and Bon Voyage to Danny! Enjoy your competition in Italy! Yup..although you were more than 2 hours late! Thanks for the treat too!

Ahh..bliss. What a perfect weekend.

Shat. Bliss is shortlived.

Research on poverty undone.
Chinese Composition undone.
Economics tutorial undone.
Geography tutorial undone.

Yup..it would have been so perfect.

Lame stuff:
Ans: A. Cause, A B C D or otherwise known as..A bi(3) C Di(1).

11:46:00 PM

hypocrisy

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Hypocrisy

noun- The act of pretending to have a character or beliefs, principles, and so on, that you do not possess.

or

When someone pretends to be a good person, or to believe in something they do not really believe in.

From the thesaurus:
pretense, deceit, dissembling, fakery, feigning, pharisaism, sanctimony, cant, dissimulation...

How I long for openess, candor, truth, directness, forthrightness, honesty and frankness.

I seriously hate what I've become. A complete hypocrite. In every aspect...I hate the way I preach about being open to one another so as not to build up any misunderstandings. How I used to tell others to trust and to be honest no matter the circumstances. To kill the problem at its roots so that the same disagreement will never reoccur. I hate all that..Because I don't do as I say.

What is the use of believing in all that when I can't even tell the truth outright? What's the use when I'm too proud to admit I'm wrong or jealous..or feeling upset..Why can't I let people see my vulnerability?

A perfect example?

Not fighting for my rights or not making an effort to clear an argument. Like I would just leave things as they are because I'm too tired or simply too damn spoiled and stubborn to do so.

Another could be me getting hitched to a hardcore smoker/drug addict/acoholic(I am one too..but anyway...)/motorcyclist/anything that I totally hate.. Or worse..My getting pregnant at this time of my life. Hmm..it would be interesting, wouldn't it?

At least in the past, I don't believe in all this..so I can't possibly feel guilty about what I'm not doing. Now, everytime I let something that's bothering me just slip pass, thinking that it's nothing, I feel terrible.

Oh gosh.

I don't want to grow into this horrible unfeeling being who don't even know how to express my own emotions! And I don't want to sulk my day away.

I don't know where to begin my quest for honesty and self-truth..It's like a cycle you know? And I just find the point where I can get out of it and break the habit. Oh wells, til I find it, I guess I'm just going to keep cycling..

Who am I to be complaining about stuff? I mean..there are people suffering from poverty and the consequences of development..overcrowding and wadevs. They don't even have a shelter and live in a dumpster for goodness' sake! And me, being so privileged and self-sufficient is taking everything for granted! Is this what happens when one have nothing to worry about and HAVE to find something to busy himself/herself with..ie...stupid stuff such as analysing their own behavior and thinking.

Oh this is so dumb.

Blah.

So anyway..besides the part of me being so totally fake the entire week, I'll be going over to Jojo's for a stay over! And Jess and Jojo are going to be cooking dinner!! Goody goody!! Loads of girly talk and sorts later...!! Can't wait. Too bad Qin can't join us..stupid orientation at this time of the year. It's april already!

O.o I hope there's mahjong later! If not movies are great too!!

Lame stuff:

Qn: Which one is lower? A or C?

Ans: Will be revealed...After the break. (ryan seacrest style)

10:27:00 AM